I used to pray, ‘May God break my heart so completely that the whole world falls in…’ Thanks Mother Teresa for making my young passionate brain, pray crazy things and truly want them. Now, more aware of myself, I can see that I am an empath. I feel all the feelings. I am learning to box them in, but like the spring here in New England this year, I am a puddle of rain feeling everything deep. It’s been one of those weeks. Surface image – easy going mother of two, doing my best to keep my hands clean in between diaper changes. Real self, the world is big, overwhelming at times, and scary.
America, bless you but you scare me. All your hateful words toward each other, all your money, all your politics. Jesus help us. Without puking my own political views, I got babies… and I got worries.
People around us… This has been a heavy one for a bunch of us. From trying to find support for a homeless single mom and then headed off to attending a foster-mom support group… My heart is dragging.
Our family. Vera-lou’s birthmom is visiting tomorrow. We are thrilled and excited for her to come. We know it’s going to be a full weekend of creating memories. I want Mama T to come to celebrate Mother’s Day with our girl. I want Mama T to be able to be proud of being a birth mother for a weekend and I also want to love on the person that gave me the honor of being our daughter’s mama. The pictures make our tribe look perfect. We’re pretty cute at this point example A. tonight our cinco de BABY party… with some of my college best pal’s babies and mine.
but we’re messy. WE FEEL IT ALL… We feel the weight of Mama T as she decided to come a bit last minute. I cannot imagine what it feels like to have to come to visit someone who is apart of you and re-meet this person that you love so intensely. How Mama T’s heart waivers as she doesn’t know if she can handle seeing Lou-Lou be so grown up and knowing she’s missing so much. My heart is heavy for the after visit. Our lives will continue with all it’s joy and Mama T, will go back to being a hard-working college student, who doesn’t have any birthmother support at home. But these moments are our redemption… That Vera-lou’s birthmom, an adoptee herself coming from a hard foster-to-adopt story, has the bravery and strength to come and be with us. That Vera-lou’s adoptive mother, gets to love a real live birth-mom this weekend and gets to give her little girl’s adoption story more than she has. And one special little girl gets to see her birthmom on Mother’s day, she can’t wait to see her come-in on the airplane from TEXAS and I am sure she will be LOVED.
So Mother Teresa, your quote is coming true. God is breaking my heart and my wedge of the world is falling in… I am so thankful that I know who breaks my heart and from him I find the grace to be able to feel it all and trust my worries are taken care of.