Sometimes I have the fortune of being able to grocery shop on my own… I look like a typical mid-twenties lady with her yoga pants on and her eggs in her basket. I am just another individual. No one is thinking about or knows that I am an adoptee from a little island off the coast of Korea or that I am a mama to a little Hispanic lady, whose birth-mom is texting me while I make it through the check out line.
But this is why I think it’s so important for adoptee’s to adopt and if they can first. Adopting has created this space for me to observe and participate in so much more of my story, and comprehend more of my birth-mothers decisions– although I don’t know her. Sometimes it’s remarkable and sometimes it’s hard but overall I am so much better for it. I know that motherhood kind of does that for everyone, but being adopted is different and the only way to better comprehend my own story is to be apart of my daughters adoption story.
Adopting Vera-lou gave me the months of waiting like my parents had for me. Danny and I were able to experience the numerous questions, concerns and speculations our family and friends had about our choice to adopt.
Then the gift of, Mama T (vera-lou’s birth mother). She gave me a view into a part of my adoption story I wouldn’t ever have had. The birthmother’s perspective. She allowed me to see first hand the pain of labor and the loss of leaving the hospital empty handed. This whole year she’s allowed me in on some of her grief. She’s given me a totally new respect and admiration for my own birth mother. Sometimes it’s hard, to watch her. Like when she came to visit, knowing the courage and love it took to come see us. Then the pain, she experienced during her visit as it was really the only space she had to truly process and celebrate her choice, since a large portion of her family still does not know about Vera-lou. It was beautiful to see Mama T, rejoice in the things she wouldn’t have been able to give Vera-lou and watching her see how much the little lady is loved by so many.
With this intimate perspective I see the power in these choices and the repercussions are seen my own life. The gratitude for my birthmother has deepened and I see the way that my birthmother’s choice did not leave me abandoned but rather gave me a different path. I wish she could know the love I have for her and for adoption.
So to answer my favorite fellow adoptee, Angela Tucker’s question of, ‘How am I doing as an Adoptee, now as an adoptive Mama?’ I think I am better than I have ever been. I see so much more clearly and my own story has grown leaps and bounds in this process. Sure, there have been difficult situations faced with some people saying hurtful comments. But some how I found some grace not punch people in the face cause reality check people, I am an adoptee too.
“Would I recommend it?”, Yes- with a warning label of self discovery and so so much love. I have not had a biological child but Vera-lou shares an identity with me that no one else does in my family. We’re both adopted, our first hours of life were full of both joy and tragedy and my hope is that the conflicting chaos is something my little lady will one day see with as much love as I do.