A lot has been happening and somewhere in the midst of it all I stopped writing. I am sure this went un noticed but… today I am ready to finally share. I stopped blogging because I didn’t know how to put to words what I was facing internally. I could easily stuff it in my busy routine of first time motherhood..
But today I want to share.
Maybe it’s because I recently had the honor of speaking at my very first event as an adoptive mother/ adoptee. I wear both hats, I know it looks intense, but it’s really quite fashionable. After my little speaking engagement, I was blessed to hear others share their desires to adopt and be approached by a tearful fellow adoptee who asked me, ‘how am I so brave?’ When I wanted to tell her- I am not, but instead I hugged her saying nothing. Or, maybe it’s because I have recently found myself coming along side a few other fellow adoptees going through different struggles. I’ve decided today I must be brave, the crying woman said it…
The true reason is this; I stopped blogging because my birth mother doesn’t want to know me, and it hurts. I know, I know… I have a beautiful story look at my little girl… look at my amazing parents… look at my smok’in hot husband… but… it is still a loss. I think I had this picture in my head that well… Vera-lou would meet her with me. That it’d be another chapter of this tribes story. But as of now, it doesn’t look like it will be apart.
If you remember
I shared that I was able to locate her the week before Vera-lou was born and that they were going to try to contact her via telegram which was totally weird… Well the telegram root was to protect her privacy, my birthmother had to specially sign off to say she got the notice of my search. She’s been signing but not responding. So I take that as a… “not now?” or for my need for closure… “no”. I would knock on her door, yes I am that crazy but it’s a long plane ride at this point and having some exposure to birth-parents after giving up a child, I kinda wanna leave the probably long, loud and loving lady alone.
So to give it words and be brave… I haven’t been the proudest to be adopted. GASP the poster child for adoption huddled in her corner. I stayed away at having any voice during adoption month or really digging into anything… I have been ashamed and guilty that I feel loss… When adoption has enough shame and guilt and today I will not add to it. I am not ashamed that I want to know my birth-parents and I will not hide out in my happiness. It’s not enough for me to say “thank goodness that woman gave you life” or “it’s all apart of the plan”. I will not feel guilty for my loss because this is what makes it a story. I do not have answers yet but I do have my peace that I am going to keep the door open and this is a part of my story as much as the flying over on an airplane. I am proud of my loss and ok that I opened the door and will leave it as so.
Sharing helps me be a better mom. I know as Vera-lou grows she’s going to feel her own losses and my hope is she will have the strength to process them. It still blows my mind when I think of all the good Lord has done and how honored we are to have Vera-lou’s birthparents as a part of our tribe. So today I will celebrate the miracle of my dancing little 10 month old, her awesome birthparents and my own loss.