Why I Stopped Writing //Celebrating Loss

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A lot has been happening and somewhere in the midst of it all I stopped writing. I am sure this went un noticed but…  today I am ready to finally share. I stopped blogging because I didn’t know how to put to words what I was facing internally. I could easily stuff it in my busy routine of first time motherhood..

But today I want to share.

Maybe it’s because I recently had the honor of speaking at my very first event as an adoptive mother/ adoptee. I wear both hats, I know it looks intense, but it’s really quite fashionable. After my little speaking engagement, I was blessed to hear others share their desires to adopt and be approached by a tearful fellow adoptee who asked me, ‘how am I so brave?’  When I wanted to tell her-  I am not, but instead I hugged her saying nothing.  Or, maybe it’s because I have recently found myself coming along side a few other fellow adoptees going through different struggles.  I’ve decided today I must be brave, the crying woman said it…

 The true reason is this; I stopped blogging because my birth mother doesn’t want to know me, and it hurts.  I know, I know… I have a beautiful story look at my little girl… look at my amazing parents… look at my smok’in hot husband… but… it is still a loss.  I think I had this picture in my head that well… Vera-lou would meet her with me. That it’d be another chapter of this tribes story. But as of now, it doesn’t look like it will be apart.  

 

 If you remember

https://ebersoletribe.wordpress.com/2014/07/02/happy-airplane-day-to-mommy/

I shared that I was able to locate her the week before Vera-lou was born and that they were going to try to contact her via telegram which was totally weird… Well the telegram root was to protect her privacy, my birthmother had to specially sign off to say she got the notice of my search. She’s been signing but not responding. So I take that as a… “not now?” or for my need for closure… “no”.  I would knock on her door, yes I am that crazy but it’s a long plane ride at this point and having some exposure to birth-parents after giving up a child, I kinda wanna leave the probably long, loud and loving lady alone.

 

So to give it words and be brave… I haven’t been the proudest to be adopted. GASP the poster child for adoption huddled in her corner. I stayed away at having any voice during adoption month or really digging into anything… I have been ashamed and guilty that I feel loss… When adoption has enough shame and guilt and today I will not add to it. I am not ashamed that I want to know my birth-parents and I will not hide out in my happiness. It’s not enough for me to say “thank goodness that woman gave you life” or “it’s all apart of the plan”. I will not feel guilty for my loss because this is what makes it a story. I do not have answers yet but I do have my peace that I am going to keep the door open and this is a part of my story as much as the  flying over on an airplane. I am proud of my loss and ok that I opened the door and will leave it as so.


Sharing helps me be a better mom. I know as Vera-lou grows she’s going to feel her own losses and my hope is she will have the strength to process them. It still blows my mind when I think of all the good Lord has done  and how honored we are to have Vera-lou’s birthparents as a part of our tribe.  So today I will celebrate the miracle of my dancing little 10 month old, her awesome birthparents and my own loss.

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5 comments

  1. Ken Ebersole · February 14, 2015

    Thanks Brandi for sharing. With God nothing is impossible. As I read there arose in my heart an anticipation for the day there will be a reconnecting of you and your birth Mom. I have faith for this and will pray for it.

  2. Nilza Brito · February 15, 2015

    Just so amazing Brandi…I had no idea all this has transpired in your life, especially during this busy season of first time motherhood and so many adjustments that come with being a parent, and yet you’re so gracious and loving and God will certainly use all this for His glory as you trust Him every step of the way!!
    Love you!!!

  3. Charlotte Otto · February 15, 2015

    Brandi, I am so sorry that your hopes have been dashed for meeting and hearing from your real mom. It is sad that she does not respond, she may have never processed her own loss, or many other things. But it’s a wonderful thing that you can see full circle that you will be there for VeraLou when she feels her losses. In your heart I hope you will always know that this rejection is about her, not you, although it is painful. And you have a right to your pain. I will keep that prayer, that her heart or her situation whether cultural, emotional or physical, will be transformed through prayer and faith.
    VeraLou is so lucky to have you and Danny for real parents.
    Bless you,
    Charlotte

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